death by peaches


SEE!?! this is why it is bad to read things!

i could have quite happily eaten my value priced fungicides captan and iprodione covered peaches for years to come!

damn you information!

turtles turtles rah rah rah

sometimes i am jealous of how turtles can pull their heads and arms and legs up inside their shells.

i wish i could pull my stuff inside myself and just hang out in there for a while. especially on mondays and rainy days and during really boring work meetings.


if you need me you will need to wait until i decide to unfurl my extremities and come back outside. and no you can't come in. there's just enough room in here for me.

well maybe if you bring a snack. . .

it's an avocado miracle!

if you need an avocado to hurry up its natural ripening process you stick it in a bag of apples and the apple fumes make the avocado ripen quicker!

way to go apple peer pressure!

i find macs make the best bullies cause they're really into that whole emotional badgering thing but you can use any kind of apple you fancy.

just not granny smiths. they'll beat your avocado up and ruin the guacamole.

more from the impossible to answer questionnaire file

yes yes yes and yes.

if i had all of these, the guy in my brain who works in the decision making branch would spontaneously combust trying to decide where i should spend most of my time.

which might not actually be a bad thing as i've been considering hiring someone new for his position for quite a while.

workin' woman

so lily's third most important job after being a wife and a mom is her very successful upwardly mobile vampire slayer position.

how does she find the time to do it?!

career moms these days are really pushing the envelope. also sometimes they're opening the envelope with wooden stakes.

congratulations! it's a french stick!

i wish i had a loaf of bread baby!

then if it was being bad i could toast it and butter it and sprinkle it with cinnamon sugar and eat my baby right up and then bake a new baby from scratch.

today's special

sometimes in the morning you spill salt on the office kitchen counter so you throw it over your left shoulder then your right shoulder because you forget which one you’re supposed to throw it over and you don’t really throw it over because it’s monday morning and you're allergic to effort so it lands on both your shoulders and then you look like you have terrible dandruff and people look at you funny but you don’t care cause at least you’ve covered yourself, superstitiously speaking.

moving sale! everything must go! no reasonable offer denied!

  • 3 string acoustic kleenex box guitar - almost new condition! barely been played!

  • 'let's party' bubble making kit - a party in a bottle! and there's four of them!

  • halloween growing sponge capsules - just in time for halloween! 11 of the 12 scary shapes remaining! comes with instructions.

  • green plastic monster toy- his left eye glows red when you press the button in the back! no batteries required! goes nicely with the halloween growing sponges!

me and jeremy's moving into a new apartment theme song

listen here


this song makes me want to play double dutch after school slash work out back of my building.



last night we paid debit for our pizza delivery.


i'm really holding out for those dang hover skateboards though. then we'll know we're really getting somewhere.

in keeping with the volcano theme

poor magma under pressure!

i hope it has something nice it likes to do to de-stress.

like hot yoga.

or camping and roasting weiners and marshmallows over itself.

lava life

today i read an article called 'chasing volcanoes'. actually i only read the title and stopped reading because everyone knows chasing volcanoes is a terrible idea.

if you want a volcano to like you, you should wait for it to make the first move. if you have to call it repeatedly and badger it to make plans it probably just isn't that into you.

the conversation i had when i met michael jackson in that alley that time

jared's joke

"wouldn't it be hilarious if instead of saying 'pardon me i did not hear you' when you don't hear someone you said 'mmmmm whatchoo saaaay' like in that imogen heap hide and seek song ".*


that is very funny. and impossible to stop doing once you start.

*jared's words have been paraphrased here as i didn't have my stenograph machine on hand when he made the joke. it's very heavy and does not fit in my purse.

let's get physical

more than one person said to me today that their ideal this evening would involve getting into jogger pants so i honored their very smart thinking by getting into mine the second i got through my home-sweet-home door.

happy friday sweatsuit!

let's ease into the weekend together by doing some cool jogger pant moves.

in grade four, purple was my best friend

my second best friend was full sized pants masquerading as capris.

5 second art

sometimes at work when i'm pushing buttons and inputting data and making spreadsheets about nonsensical work nonsense i like to do an exercise called '5 second art' where i open up my paint program and scribble something really fast so no one catches me but still makes me feel like i did something nice and creative with my day.


i hope after i die someone has to access my personal files on this work computer and finds the gallery of 5 second art pieces and sells them for a trillion dollars a pop.

"good fun" insults

flibbity gibbit


a clown

today is brought to you by the number 24

24 is my favourite number!

i like how it's even and how it's a 2 and a 4 and how those two numbers add up to 6 which is my second favourite number.

i always think something great is going to happen to me on the 24th of the month cause 24 will know i love it and will want to do something for me to show its appreciation of my affection.

sometimes i give a 2 day window for the wonderfulness to occur though considering different parts of the world are the 24th at different times. it's only fair.


dear early macs,

you are a delicious taste of fall.

every other time of year that i eat a macintosh apple i secretly hope they taste like you, but they never do.

even when i eat too many of you and my tongue swells up, i still love you. a bumpy tingly tongue is a small price to pay for getting my fill of you before you inevitably leave again until next year.

where do you go? i'd like to know so i can move there and eat you all year round.

please send me a forwarding address so i can at least visit.

many thanks,

a huge fan

gang members

derek is my real special friend who is moving soon to los angeles to start a new life and spread his funny wonderfulness south of the border.

when i first met him we were sharing some orangina at a staff conference and i knew then, when i almost lost my orangina out my nostrils, that he was one of those people you meet that makes you go 'hey! i like the insides of this person!'.

also i like his outsides. and not just cause we look related.

je t'aime this movie

you know what's great for jennifer leanne robeson? a movie made of 16 short movies. about paris. and vampires. and mimes. and love.

i could marry all 16 of these short films tomorrow and feel confident that 65 years from now, at our lavish but tasteful anniversary banquet, i would still love them each as much as i did this day.

"YAAAAAAY!" and then "BOOOOOO!"

happy fall!

now where am i going to find a teenie tiny lawn crew to clean up this mess?

maybe a team of squirrels? it's not like they have anything better to do!

this morning i saw a squirrel sitting in a tree eating a nut and it was like 9 am so he should have been getting ready to go to work. unless he works from home and eating nuts is his job in which case i'd like to interview for that position.


the back of my left eyeball!

isn't it neat?! it looks like outer space! or a halloween jello mould!

it's weird how your inside parts are your own, but you never get to see them.

it's also weird that i'm looking at my eyeball, with my eyeball.


nice to see you finally left eyeball, keep up the good vision work. sorry if sometimes i poke you trying to apply mascara. you're probably glad i usually only do that once a year.

dream job

i can't wait to be a part-time monster!

i wonder why the salary part is empty though? maybe you get paid with funnel cakes. or human bones.

and the best cook in the world and beyond to infinity is. . .


i love everything you make ever. and i'm sorry that sometimes i decide i want to colour on the kitchen counter when you're trying to chop things for a meal.

how to: have a nice sunday

employee of the month

this little duck works at the gelato place up the road from me and BOY is he a hard working individual!

he rides that bike, with an ice cream in his hand, in jeans, 365 days a year, 24 hours a day.

he must have the best duck buns and strongest duck quads in the world. or maybe he's just got an average duck bod cause all that ice cream he has to eat cancels out any benefits of his never ending physical activity regiment.

i bet he dreams of the day he can retire, dismount his bike and sprawl out in a recliner with some pop and chips and cable television.

and i bet if anyone offers him a gelato he'll kick them in the teeth with his hulk hogan hamstrings.

extremely rare animal sighting

shy me.

you win!

one of my favourite things about celebrations for baby's or weddings or congratulations on learning to ride a bike is the possibility of winning a game or two.

today i won some pacifica malibu lemon blossom body butter which smells really really great and tastes not bad either which i know cause i accidentally licked my hand after i put some on.


whenever i apply this body lotion i will think 'i am a winner'.

also 'i am happy my friend is getting married'.

but mainly 'i won'.

i heart cupcakes

sometimes when you go to a gathering and you love cupcakes a lot you choose taking photos of them/eating them/re-arranging them over mingling with non baked good party guests.

wedding shower, bring your loofah!

you know what would be fun? if you actually showered with everyone at a wedding shower.

like if you got in your bathing suit and shower shoes and swim cap and had cocktails with lids so they didn't get watered down with the shower water and you'd all be CONGRATULATIONS! CHEERS! and you wouldn't have to worry about looking nice cause you knew you were just going to get in the shower when you got there.

i wouldn't want to be the person directly under the shower nozzle though, cause then it would be hard to talk without drowning.

is it halloween yet?


this was scary.

also scary: dana barrett's apartment.

so actually maybe the monsters ripping up her peach arm chair are doing her a favour?


spiders forced to leave their homes during saturday cleaning raid

by jennifer robeson
special reporter

earlier today about a dozen spiders were forced to leave their nook and cranny homes to take up lodgings inside my vacuum cleaner.

the weeks spent building their residences before the mandatory vacuum move-in were not in vain however, as the residences got sucked up also so one can assume the spiders can just re-build them inside the dust bag.

my name is jennifer robeson, and i'm a pizzaholic. (hi jennifer). it has been zero days since my last slice of pizza.

last night marked the thorough enjoyment of my third domino's pizza in a week.

is that a record? maybe a personal one?

when i was little i ate a whole bag of easter chocolate eggs and an entire mr. solid in one sitting but that isn't really the same cause that is chocolate and this is pizza and those things are from two different food groups, ('other' and 'vegetables').

and now, i bring you the professional on the matter.

bee documentary

you break it, you buy it

this store was actually open but they saw me coming and pretended they were closed cause they knew i would come in there and be all LOOK AT THIS! and LOOK HOW PRETTY! and THESE CHANDELIER SPARKLY BITS WOULD MAKE NICE EARRINGS! and i'd break everything and jeremy would have to pull out his cheque book of iou's and once the store owners realized they were iou's and not real cheques we'd be asked to leave and they'd put up one of those signs in the front window that said 'not welcome in store' with a photo of our faces on it.

and in my photo i'd be posing with the chandelier sparkly bits as earrings.

you're welcome bus!

tricky snacks to sneak into the movie theatre

bacon and eggs

baked alaskan

cheese fondue


dear santa

for christmas this year i would please like the following neccessary items from the hammacher schlemmer catalogue .

i understand if you can't bring me everything on my wish list but the inversion table is really more for jeremy so you can put that on his tab.

also if i had to, i'd choose the hot dog cooker over the tomato doohickey. fyi.

you know what's 80's?

sitting on the kitchen counter to talk on the phone.

in your dress shirt and tie.

when you're still in high school.

mamma jamma sing along


yeah ooh ooh ooh hoo look at her

she’s a bad mama jama
just as fine as she can be, hey
she’s a bad mama jama
just as fine as she can be

her body measurements are perfect in every dimension
she’s got a figure that’s sho’ ‘nuff gettin’ attention
she’s poetry in motion, a beautiful sight to see
i get so excited viewin’ her anatomy

(she’s built) she’s built, she’s stacked (oh, she’s got)
got all the curves that men like (she’s got all the curves that men like)
(she’s built) she’s built, she’s stacked (oh, she’s got)
got all the curves that men like (got all the curves that men like, look at her)

she’s a bad mama jama
just as fine as she can be, hey
she’s a bad mama jama
just as fine as she can be

looks like she’s poured into the gold, she bad
the essence of beauty, ooh, such lovely hair
she’s foxy, classy, oh, sexy, sassy
she’s heavenly, a treat for the eye to see

(she’s built) she’s built, she’s stacked (oh, she’s got)
got all the curves that men like (got all the curves that men like, oh)
(she’s built) she’s built, she’s stacked (oh, she’s got)
got all the curves that men like (got all the curves that men like, ooh-wee)

she’s a bad mama jama (ooh, she’s bad)
just as fine as she can be, hey
she’s a bad mama jama, ho...ho...
just as fine as she can be

woo, hoo
na na na na na na na na na na na na
woo, hoo
na na na na na na na na na na na na
woo, hoo

how much is that doggie in the window (revised version)

speaking of archie

jughead is gay?!

i had no idea!

or maybe he just loves hamburgers and hot dogs so much there is no room in his heart for anything else.

i get it jughead, i feel that way about pickles and jeremy's enchiladas.

my first comic book (not counting archie)

and i really like it!

i do not like however, how large it is. it practically needs a tripod for comfortable reading. maybe when i'm done with it i'll use it as an anvil. or an end table.