i can be impatient and rude

i've come to believe that it's important to share not only our revelations and best smoothie recipes but also our challenges or the things about ourselves we're least likely to volunteer at a mixer for strangers. which is funny when you realize that these attributes are surely no great mystery to those who know you well. sometimes jeremy asks if it's going to be 'one of those days' and i wonder how he could be so rude and then i consider my position, cross armed and stiffed legged over the total length of the couch trying to sieve my frustrations out through my teeth. where does that come from? i used to think i had aspergers syndrome because i can be intensely preoccupied with a subject but then it passes and the subject changes and i think more i'm just really interested in things. and sometimes in the space between learning one thing and the next i'll feel frustrated and short and unsure of how to proceed. reading can get me out of it and time spent with nature and seeing something not new or different, but shown in a way i hadn't considered it before. also jeremy. always jeremy. i heard the kid from the apartment downstairs coughing this morning and i felt angry that he was waking me up on a saturday and i also thought this is why i'd be bad at having kids, their noises aren't something i could control. and then, like every time i think this way i remember my nephew and when i lived in the basement apartment and he'd knock on my door in the early morning and it was the sweetest sound i'd known. life is so many different things at the same time.

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