how to: make fruit seem cooler than popcorn

step one: get some fruit and some skewers

step two: put the fruit on the skewers

step three: eat the fruit (hold the skewers)

a traffic-free way to get around if you're a very very small person

reasons why 'just dying in your arms tonight' wouldn't be as romantic as it sounds in the 80's cutting crew hit

- the smell

-rigor mortis

-no potential for witty back and forth chit chat

a miracle, a tragedy and an important lesson learned.

miracle: i spelt isosceles correctly.

near tragedy: i thought i'd misplaced my michael jackson 'off the wall' cd when it wasn't in it's case, but i checked the cd player and it was in there.

lesson learned: if the powers that be bless you with a miracle, they may try to take your favourite cd as payment.

i see no difference

case work

today's special

sometimes when i'm doing very boring computer input stuff at work i like to answer my co-workers with responses like 'BEEP' and 'BOOP' to really act the part of a robot.

also, if someone asks you to do something and you don't want to do it you can say 'I DO NOT COMPUTE' in your best robot voice and they'll probably go and ask someone else.

how i like to beat the heat

vewwwwy supwising!

tonight i saw elmer fudd on the subway!

i almost didn't recognize him without his musket but when he looked like he was angrily thinking about rabbits i was certain!

i wonder if he is a wegular subway wider or if he mostly dwives his caw.

i live in a bubble of nonsense

topics of conversation to avoid with a mosquito

- citronella candles

-how you plan to enjoy your lengthy human life span

- regularly disposing of still, pooled water

- fly swatters or other similar use items (rolled up papers, shoes etc)

- horse flies/deer flies/black flies

- how you hate annoying buzzing sounds

- anything involving the term 'bloodsucker'

blast off!!

sometimes i think ‘what are some nice things i could do for people if i won lots of money, (after i buy jeremy and me a round the world trip, a house on a lake, and a cookie factory)'.

and today i thought of a perfect thing!

i learned about a lady named wally funk who was part of a NASA women’s training program in the 60’s that got cancelled and she and everyone else didn’t get to go space even though some of them did really really well on their space tests.

so if i win money i’ll buy a rocket ship and send ms. funk to space because she loves space so much and has had to love it from earth which must be sad.

then when she comes back she’ll be my friend and i’ll look at all her pictures and ask her stories about space and it will be like i went there too and just saved myself the frightening blast off experience!

"today, i am a woman".

dearest reader,

this morning me and my friend derek berek bo berek, (nee 'banana fana fo ferek'), went to see a play and it was wonderful!

there were only about 10 people in this small little toasty theatre and we could see the great neat-o acting just right up close and i liked it so much that after i walked out i went over to the ticket sellers on the corner and told all three of them what a great time i'd had!

then i came home and had the afternoon as it appears in this photo which makes this the most mature day of my whole life thus far and probably forever.

i hope i can remember it for always and whenever i'm doing something an 8 year old would do i can be like, "at least i had that one day!".

most sincerely,


jennifer leanne robeson

anyone can be a private detective

however i only want to be a detective who people hire to find out wonderful news.

like, 'the case of the cookies everyone forgot were still in the top kitchen cupboard, but i found them'

or, 'the case of the nice thing someone said about you but you didn't know cause you weren't there to hear it (but i was)'

if you would like to hire me to find out something great, please email your case to jennifer.robeson@gmail.com.

i accept the following payment:

-cookies (that i find in your top cupboard)

-eternal thanks

-referrals for future private detective work

-detective paraphernalia (large magnifying glass, pipe, trench coat, note pads)

how to: feel like alice in wonderland

step one: drink from this wonderful little dotty cup (or one similar cause i'm using it).

other optional recommendations: chase a rabbit down a hole, eat cake that makes you grow to be 9 feet tall, accept an invitation to a crazy people tea party, (bring your cup).

summer clothes

i went for a little walk this morning and i saw about 3 snake skins that had been shed and i wondered if maybe some snakes in the area were trading up for better outfits.

just desserts

i think a proper punishment for people who throw their gum on the ground is that they get the gum shoved up their noses and for the rest of their life when they breathe out, a huge bubble will come out of one nostril.

why it's never safe to play outfield

what an odd expression

when people use the term 'bodies' like 'i need this many bodies in the office today' it makes me think of a workplace full of zombies and i bet zombies make terrible employees cause they would just moan when you ask them something and they'd always try to eat you.

how to: unwind after work

step one: toast some bread

step two: put some peanut butter on it

step three: pour yourself a glass of milk (unless you're lactose intolerant or you hate milk in which case maybe you should just get a drink of water)

step four: eat and drink those things

true story

a pretty orange butterfly kept banging into the window at the office today and when it didn't give up, i assumed it was trying to come in.

so i went outside and said to it, "this is a place of work and someone like you should be out flying around in the beautiful windy weather, not stuck inside doing tasks on the computer."

"and anyways", i concluded, "you probably don't even know how to work the fax machine".

and it flew away and never came back so obviously i was right.

delivery

part of this photo is really what was outside my apartment monday morning and another part may be a slight 'fabrication'.

today's special

i recently learned that if you don't want to have snails in your garden, you should put pennies in there.

i wonder if it's because the snails are saving up for a holiday and are more interested in gardens with loonies and toonies.

letters

dear canada,

happy birthday to you! i hope you are doing something special and that someone has baked you a cake, (maybe your mother, england?).

i did some reading about you this morning and now i know this date isn't really your date of birth but the anniversary of your confederation which reminds me of confetti.

to thank you for being such a nice country and to congratulate you on the anniversary of your confetti, i made a little list of my favourite things about you.

-beavertails
-killarney
-your great big vastness
-native americans
-anne murray's 'hippo in the bathtub' album
- your flora and fauna (especially whales and turtles, excluding abnormally sized fish)
-maple syrup
-pretty fall leaf foliage
-that all my friends and family live in you
-nice and colourful money
-pine cones

happy day, canada! i hope you get to see some fireworks tonight.

sincerely,

jenn robeson

ps i'm going to a barbecue today at my friends derek and jared's house and if you don't already have plans you are welcome to come! just let me know if you're vegetarian so we can put something other than a burger on the grill for you. and byob.