Arm Circles

saturday morning (on snow)

2012-02-11T05:30:00.000-08:00

i seem to have developed a writing pattern. saturday morning, no matter what time we crawled into bed the night before, i get up with the sun and make myself a pot of coffee. i say i'll make the whole pot for us to share but i know that if i let him, he'll sleep in long after its gone cold.

i slip on the couch and under the quilt, i look out the window and think of the things i want to say. they're never far off and are much more likely to show themselves in these quiet mornings of solitude. i am absolutely a morning person.

we went to a friends for dinner last night, good food and good company and the lovely kind of reflection that follows on the long way home when you miss the last bus and have to walk, hand in hand, to your doorstep. i like to be the first footprints on freshly fallen snow.

it's interesting to get a glimpse into the lives of others. the books they've read the art they've chosen the placement of artifacts, some here some there, that tell a story of a life being lived. that give clues of every day choices. i look around at our clues and wonder what they say that we can't see. objectivity is impossible.

the wind makes the snow appear more intense, we see the swirls and squalls and are confused into thinking it's a blizzard. i'll go outside to meet it and deduce it's nothing more than single flakes meeting and parting, meeting and parting, looking frantically for one other snowflake that's just the same.

the unbearable weight of unknowing

2012-02-11T05:16:00.001-08:00

sometimes i think of the seeming infinity of possible knowledge, (war, art, philosophy, politics, environment, poetry, religion, the intricacies of our human relationships), and it feels impossible for a lifetime.

it seems insurmountable that someone so small and mortal could get anywhere beyond the surface.

railroad tracks

2012-02-04T08:13:00.000-08:00

updated picture wall with self portrait

2012-02-04T08:06:00.001-08:00

(in the style of kees van dongen.)

(in the key of me.)

the life we're currently having

2012-01-30T15:01:00.001-08:00

it's a funny thing that we have to learn to be present in our own lives. and humbling how difficult it is to remember. jeremy and i are doing a really good job this year at kicking the winter blues in the nards and it's definately thanks in part to my concentrated efforts in staying presently aware.

this is easier now that i exercise, and exercise is easier now that's it habit, and healthy habits are easier to apply to everything else (food, drinking) when you see their obvious benefits seeping across all aspects of your being like a pleasant, pervasive ooze. maybe more like a fruit smoothie spill.

i do ballet, we do yoga, i walk 10 kilometres every day. i lift weights, i run full tilt for short distances, i dance modern interpretive numbers in the living room. if a day goes by and i don't do any assortment of these things i can actually feel the difference in my body. my head longs to be upside down and my legs long to be stretched forward and backward in some combined motion of dance and circus performance. movement, i think, is one of the secrets of the good life.

stillness is harder but the pathway might be the same. isn't that the point of yoga? inner calm through body connection? something like that? you could say that anything that engages your body and your mind together is something endangered in this life and wholly good and important. i saw pina with jessica on wednesday, that film about the modern dance composer pina bausch, and thought what a worthwhile and noble challenge - to express one's self fully through dance. i can close my eyes and recall the viewing experience, still.

when we aren't pumping iron or practicing our shoulder stand, we're listening to new ideas on TED talks or radiolab. we like our CBC app for iPad - quirks and quarks, stuart mclean, canada reads. classical music on radio 2 because julie nesrallah makes the experience approachable and enjoyable even if you understand only shining bits of what she's saying. mountains of books from the library - right now on our learning table we have a van gogh picture book, walton ford's pancha tantra and the stargazers galaxy atlas.

we paint and sculpt and look for truths in non-fiction books, we write down big ideas on big paper and the chalk door in the kitchen. we're learning the art of massage.

last night we watched mary and max and i highly recommend that you do the same. the story of a young australian girl and her middle aged new york city pen pal balances whimsy with deeply dark truthfulness. that's my favourite blend. i cried in jeremy's lap as the credits rolled and thought about how my tears of sadness carried chemicals of release from my body. leaving me both lighter and heavier with emotion and truth.

that's right, you won.

2012-01-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

it's good to pretend you're winning some races!

this is actually a dramatic reenactment, the first time i won jeremy was busy photographing nature.

a worthy distraction, to be sure.

citrus stills in sunshine

2012-01-21T09:15:00.001-08:00

unbeknownst to each other we both managed to photograph the oranges this morning.

good thing we're together! good thing for oranges too!

getting their glamour shots taken and all.

often i think, "i love my life".

2012-01-21T06:46:00.000-08:00

snow

2012-01-19T12:22:00.001-08:00

hypnotic little bits of fallen sky,

made solid by my cold and watchful eye.

learnings and findings

2012-01-19T10:02:00.001-08:00

lately we’ve been interested in art. i got jeremy acrylic paints for christmas and it turned out to be a gift for both of us as our new favourite weekend activity is sitting side by each in the art room, trying out different paint techniques. jeremy likes the group of seven or their modern day contemporaries like david grieve. i like impressionism and fauvism and especially the bright bold colours of kees van dongen.

coco chanel is a fascinating character. the particularly juicy bits are her humble beginnings and her love affairs with boy capel and igor stravinsky. although there is something unsettling about her willingness to engage in relationships with married men, the times she lived in were different, her lack of family status a very real obstacle to marriage, and marriage itself much more of a social convention than the standard of equality and partnership it is today. she loved, she created, she lived – and all outside of what society had in store for women of that time period. plus hello beautiful clothing!

in our outdoor adventures we’ve been taking weekend hikes in corruthers woods. it’s a section of the don valley that is directly behind our apartment and can entertain one (or two!) for hours with its meandering trails and riverside ambles. it’s really remarkable how much green space toronto has and how easily accessible it is from so many places in the city. this weekend we’re doing a hike from the lakeshore, all the way up to the brick works on the lower don trail. we're meeting mel and alan in the distillery district then we'll hop on the trail from the lakeshore, meandering our way slowly north, stopping to sight-see and share sandwiches.

wheatberries are a remarkable grain. they have an almost ground-meat-like texture which jeremy noticed and i capitalized on by suggesting we season them with spices and use them for veggie tacos - delicious! we've also used them to make stuffing (wheatberry and cranberry) and to add a little crunch to our salads. they're used to make an eastern european porridge called kutya by cooking them slowly over a period of days. how alluring is something that takes that much time? in a world where everything is instant or quicker? very i'd say. i'd like to fill my bowl up with slowness please and savour every. single. drop.

pretty things

2012-01-12T05:59:00.000-08:00

"the dress must not hang on the body but follow its lines. it must accompany its wearer and when a woman smiles the dress must smile with her."

madeleine vionnet

"the best accessory for any frock, is jeremy and a lip lock."

jennifer sorrell

cozy cottage, cookies, and a happy new year too.

2012-01-11T15:11:00.000-08:00

skeleton

2012-01-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

i wish there was a way to know my own bones. to observe their unique valleys and curves and ask them philosophical questions about the roles that strength and silence have played on their success. i wonder if they’ll feel lonely, in the end, without the weight of the rest of me – layers of tissues and ribbons of complex tubes – all gone and melted back to some organic state.

or if they’ll feel light and oddly free. as you do in that moment when you’ve longed for silence and finally it’s come and instead of feeling alone, you feel at one with almost everything.

mountain climber

2011-12-30T13:19:00.001-08:00

my husband, the artist.

2011-12-30T12:22:00.000-08:00

so jeremy sorrell is a big time artiste. he's the last guy to admit it too which makes him an adorable genius and me the luckiest wife ever on christmas morning. he made me SO many cool things this year.

like this moss terrarium. he called it 'christmas in the cretaceous' and it's a mini ecosystem complete with soil and plant matter and the tiniest snails you ever did see. also velociraptors and a brontosaurus.

and this taxidermy style nature plate on which he's made all the bugs out of various leaves, seeds, pods and twigs. collected from our many out of door walks and shoved in his pockets quickly, so i wouldn't notice.

this is a golem and jeremy made him out of clay. the mystical symbols he carved in his body bring the golem to life. he'll spend his short life serving his master, (me) before his clay body crumbles and his glowing heart fades. until then he's lovely to look at, lit up with tea-lights on the window ledge.

i love his heavy, curled hands. and that i've never heard of a golem before jeremy made me one. and that i'm married to jeremy.

and lastly there's this! the pièce de résistance! i actually don't have a favourite thing but i love this one a lot and i love using that term so there you have it.

this is the moon, complete with its proper craters and ridges, and a sky full of stars and a little house looking on.

it's plasticine on canvas and jeremy said it's our house in the future in the winter. presently it hangs in our bedroom where i can look at it in the moments before i fall asleep and think about the moon and the ground and the space in between.

amazing, eh?! i am amazed. i am blessed and i am amazed and i am selling tickets in advance to jeremy's first show.

christmas day hike (happy holidays, nature)

2011-12-30T12:19:00.001-08:00

extended holiday

2011-12-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

merry christmas!!

is everyone still enjoying themselves? feeling festive? gorging on clementines and assorted nuts?

jerry seinfeld once likened people snapping out of the christmas spirit to people coming out of a drunken stupor. boxing day is still pretty christmasy (unless you go to the mall) and you can potentially negotiate the entire week between christmas and new years as one big holiday but i know what he means. it's all this big work up to this amazing day of love and turkey and then WHAM. the bus schedule resumes to normal and people are getting angry at each other in the parking lot at best buy.

it doesn't have to be that way though, you know. in fact it's our new years resolution in the sorrell household to stay (figuratively) in the drunken stupor all year long. and why the heck not? it's still winter and it's still the end of one year and the start of the next and there's still so much to be thankful for and so many reasons to slow down and take stock of them.

also we have champagne left.

it's this moment right here

2011-12-23T07:26:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting at home watching love actually. the wrapping is done and the fridge is full. when jeremy gets home we're going out to get the christmas hens and share an assortment of pastries over giant mugs of something hot.

later we're making ginger molasses cookies. later still we're listening to a holiday special on the cbc.

this is the sweet spot of christmas, isn't it? when all the preparations come together and you relax into the season that has taken on a tempo of its own. you enjoy. you eat. you drink. you sing. your home is brimming with warmth and food and presents waiting for their shining moment.

these are all shining moments. sparkling little collective gems of joy and peace, i think of everyone celebrating something and am filled with nostalgia and hope and milky sweet tea.

merry merry.

baby barn owl with scarf

2011-12-22T13:57:00.000-08:00

this little pip is a custom order. i wrapped her scarf twice for fashion and the late december wind.

she doesn't have a name yet. she needs some time to develop traits and a fine personality.

the holidays are here!! even though i have a holiday cold, i'll take one of those with jeremy and some tea over any other option out there.

reading and writing (an affair)

2011-12-19T13:09:00.001-08:00

"how does the reading feed into the writing, and vice versa? continually, continuously, promiscuously, in a million ways.”

philip pullman

brunch

2011-12-10T18:24:00.000-08:00

dance of six

2011-12-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

i took the shuttle up the hill with the girls from work.
(sunny, sunny, cold.)

we breezed through errands, like crowds in a holiday parade.
(mittens, mittens, hats.)

time left, we whirled ourselves inside a sweet boutique,
trying dresses, trying tops, coats on heaps on chairs.

brown bags, white receipts, back on the bus we’re laughing,
taking treasures, stealing moments from the day.

zen lessons in crafting

2011-12-06T06:34:00.000-08:00

i fell in love with the bear i made. the first one with the tartan scarf.

i loved him so much i'd look at the cut out shapes of the second bear and think it's just not fair, that he should have to follow in such well loved footprints.

but i made him anyways cause he was halfway there and i chose him the nicest fabric for his scarf. i made it long and wrapped it around his neck twice, a burnt orange swatch of warm and wool.

then i caught him staring out the window in this melancholy way like he was both the youngest and the oldest living thing and i remembered my ability to love in myriad ways.

sunrise stroll (and a rainbow happened)

2011-12-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

big black bear

2011-12-04T06:09:00.000-08:00

i made this handsome fellow for a custom order for a special lady. ain't he swell? i love his scarf and his furrowed brow.

soon it will be time for the long trek north but for now he's hanging out on our mantle, looking pensively down at the floor, wondering when it's time for breakfast.

colleagues

2011-12-03T07:15:00.001-08:00

i have a friend at work named stuart. he does cool things like organize groups of volunteers to monitor bees in the summer and birds in the winter and sometimes we go for strolls and talk about life and tom hodgkinson books.

one day he made me cross a log over a creek and last week i held a bird feeder open with a stick while he poured the rushing seeds in through the top.

who are these people we spend 8 hours of our day with? learning it's the small pleasures of their company that make our time feel new, punctuated by their thoughts and ideas and interesting ways of approaching the hundred little choices that make up a day.

his and hers (and the things they celebrate)

2011-12-03T06:02:00.000-08:00

i made us stockings! a plaid wool one for jeremy with an evergreen tree stitched on the front and a caramel linen one for me with vintage lace hearts, each one sewn on by hand. in between the stitching i got to thinking about the holiday season and why we celebrate.

deeply spiritual and affected am i but religious i am not, so how can i (in good faith) participate in the goods of a season, (food! food! drink! PRESENTS!) without recognizing and ascribing to its original purpose? and can i be moved by a christmas carol, tied so deeply to my christmas memory bank, without feeling hypocritical. without wondering if it's okay to sing about baby jesus if you think he just grew up to be a really nice guy with a great falsetto in the musical.

i like giving presents. i like eating shortbread cookies shaped like angels and i like waking up on december 25th and feeling like for that one day, the world is in a state of suspended animation.

maybe belief, (or disbelief as the case may be) is suspended animation. a question unanswered. maybe asking yourself these questions while you're making stockings, soon to be filled with well planned presents, is the point of anything done en masse. WHY do we do the things we do. WHY are they important. are they relevant. are they helpful or harmful. are they real or prescribed.

i look at our empty stockings and they have no answers for me. but boy are they cute and well made.

for now, this is a Prince blog.

2011-11-27T06:08:00.000-08:00

if getting michael jackson tickets and not getting to see michael jackson was the biggest concert let down in my wee little life, then getting prince tickets and going to see prince was the best consolation prize.

prince was PHENOMENAL.

from the moment he popped out of the floor of his namesake symbol shaped stage, with gold glittered (well fitted) pants, the crowd was HIS. he looked great, he sounded incredible, he was epic and intimate at once. he played four different guitars, he did three costume changes, he danced his fancy footwork from one end of that swirly stage to the other.

he did an mj cover of don't stop 'til you get enough and he did an explosively epic version of when doves cry during his second encore when the crowd REFUSED to go home. seriously, the house lights were on and people were mopping the stage but we all kept clapping and screaming and he came back out and that telling guitar solo started and i actually. lost. my. mind.

even now, the morning after, with my sore throat and my slow ass version of itunes downloading the best of prince album, when i think about last night i get goosebumps. THAT is what concerts are all about.

i actually transcended to a higher plane. prince was there, singing raspberry beret.

dvp at dawn

2011-11-21T03:57:00.000-08:00

from this distance the flow of cars is hypnotic,

from this distance i excuse myself from their small important differences in speed and style.

a steady stream of lights
a unified forward intention

if their end places are different you wouldn't know from looking,
only guessing at the improbability of one final destination,

reachable by faith and morning commute.

claude and richard say goodbye.

2011-11-17T15:20:00.000-08:00

upon hearing of claude's impending departure, richard felt it necessary to impart some whale wisdom. he was surprised then, to learn that claude had some wisdom of his own.

"see the world," said richard, "the one out there? it's big, claude. big and full of possibilities"

"i know richard", said claude, "but in all the world there's no other you"

the passing of fall (the visiting of mother)

2011-11-17T14:50:00.000-08:00

my mom comes every year at this time and it's always a whirlwind of talking, eating, and walking outdoors. november is the last month you can pretend it's going to be fall forever and we certainly take full advantage of that - bundling her up in her bc warmest and taking her to all our favourite natural spots.

we supplemented our walks with homemade grub and warm drinks and literally watched as the last leaves fell from their reluctant holdings.

thanks for coming, mom! fall in ontario bids you, and the rest of us, adieu.

out to lunch

2011-11-11T08:32:00.000-08:00

the place i work, the actual physical landscape where i go every day of the week to do my job, is unbelievably beautiful.

the truth about occupations, even if you enjoy them, is that they're work. deadlines and accountability and expectations can add up to a healthy sum of stress no matter who you are and how many downward dogs you do.

but when you work in a space as magical, as wild, as engaging to all of your senses,

and when you can walk out of your office and into that space for your lunch,

or for a stroll,

or to sit on the ledge of the north slope and marvel at the fall colours - weaving bracelets out of grass,

you count your lucky stars that somehow the world conspired to bring you there. and you think that any sort of stress can't help but be beaten back by the patient, gracious grandeur of nature.

remembering

2011-11-11T08:11:00.000-08:00

that moment of silence gets me every time. every time. it's the collective nature of it for sure like how i tear up listening to choral singing but it's also the idea that we take a minute, just one, to remember.

sometimes i wonder what i'm supposed to be remembering so i think about wars present and wars past and millions upon millions of people losing their lives or taking lives or saving lives and soon i'm overwhelmed.

and grateful.

and humbled.

it's ironic (or maybe not) that the deepest, darkest, scariest place you can attempt to go to connect with humanity, sits completely in silence.

moe moves abroad.

2011-11-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

one last look out the window before it's time to leave for switzerland!

travelling by mail it's important to have all your paperwork in order.

moe wonders if he shouldn't have removed his tam for the passport photo. concluding he looks stately, he dismisses the thought.

time to prepare the care package. will a turtle snack keep in the mail?

goodbye, moe! don't forget your manners and your good breeding.

top, middle, bottom.

2011-11-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

this is our favourite tree on the lawn of our apartment. it's an american beech with a large door in its trunk where lightening or fire has gouged its tattoo. mushrooms grow in there and sometimes people put their junk but we always fish it out. we do other things to look after it also like sit under its low sweeping branches and have picnics.

ain't she a beaut?! she's getting ready for the cold right now with her yearly performance of brilliant orange art. even in winter, i will stop to remember she's in there.

shiny happy grapefruit

2011-11-05T06:38:00.000-07:00

i'm reading a book called 'you are here', subtitled 'discovering the magic in the present moment'. the delicious (and humorous) allure of judging that title aside, i do think there's something to this notion that you aspire to live your life, fully, in the here and now.

there are times it's easier to live in this mindful way. like when you're preparing a grapefruit on a saturday morning and you find yourself completely taken by its smell and its shape and the way the sun is drawn to it like something it remembers creating.

you notice the asymmetrical segments of citrus, hinting at hearts or teardrops, and you understand in that moment, there's nothing more worthy of your full attention.

writing.

2011-11-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

"all that i hope to say in books, all that i ever hope to say, is that i love the world."

e.b. white

boo.

2011-10-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

jessica and i went as black swan together to pay homage to our love of ballet and theatrics. also our love of each other and halloween. it was a great costume because it was comfortable enough to party in but elaborate enough to feel like you were really going to town.

we put our faces on together in front of my bedroom mirror, all tutus and tights and a circle of makeup. bottles and powders and liners with brushes. silver glitter. hairsprayed buns.

HALLOWEEN! what of it, eh? what of the joy in playing dress up, and the value of pretend in our too often serious adult lives. i can't wait to start planning for next year! or, you know, for wearing this outfit to the library.

caramel candied pears (trick or treat)

2011-10-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

yeah yeah okay fine, this will do.

2011-10-26T16:24:00.001-07:00

friggen fall, eh? i'm reading 'a moveable feast' by hemingway now and as life and coincidence would have it, he spends a whole passage talking about fall.

"you expected to be sad in the fall. part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. but you knew there would always be spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen."

i know just what you mean, ernest. but aren't the colours fine.

we make teepees out of found objects

2011-10-26T15:47:00.001-07:00

we start with some popsicle sticks as the teepee poles, frame it in birch bark and add some stones and acorns as little door stoop decorations.

jeremy draws a mother and child to live inside and a father on the roof to do some repairs but the light by that time isn't conducive to picture taking so we use our memories to mark the moment as one for the record books.

then we say LUCKY US for the fourth time that day.

someone's in the kitchen

2011-10-26T15:25:00.001-07:00

i've gone crazy for baking loaves. or to be more accurate and way less dramatic, i've baked three loaves in the past two weeks.

the first was a marmelade tea bread i made for philip and the second was a marmelade tea bread i made for myself and the third was a molasses spice bread i made to use up the molasses from my other recent adventure in cooking - baked beans.

this isn't baking bread, to be sure, but it is a lot like it in the sifting together of the dry ingredients and the whisking together of the wet ingredients and the nice and accurate blending together of the two.

also the pan they bake in and the way they make the house smell both seem to be bread-like qualities, don't you think? mmmmm, baking things. and then mmmmm, eating them.

the trail

2011-10-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

there is nothing, nothing, like a walk in the woods.

ode to the outdoors (and a sunset, for steph)

2011-10-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

this is not that poem about the footprints in the sand

2011-10-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

we saw many footprints when we were camping. maybe it's one of those things that you take notice of and then start to see everywhere, or maybe fall is unofficial footprint season.

we saw deer prints,

moose prints,

racoon prints,

and bear prints.

or maybe all these prints are made from bigfoot's special shoes he wears to throw off campers and photographers from the tabloids.

the edge of the earth

2011-10-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

let's start at the very ending, a very good place to start.

leaving the campground before daylight, we hiked the barron canyon trail to visit the cliff's edge and watch the sun slowly, surely reach her warm arms down, waking and embracing every sleepy thing.

with jeremy's reassurance and the beat of my insides that long to be courageous, i scrambled forward, closer to the edge.

stopping to look now and then, eastward, at the tapestry of nature in all its complete and unforgiving splendor.

feet dangling over the edge, sun warming my face, husband behind me taking pictures, quietly waiting for me to get where i pushed myself to go,

in that moment i thought myself to be in heaven.

a wee windowsill snack

2011-10-07T07:02:00.000-07:00

nuts and peaches and yogurt with honey.

what's so sweet about simplicity?

maybe the little bowls it's often served in.

happy two years!

2011-10-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

JEREMY
geryando
gov'ner

what other weird names do we have for each other? okay well that first one isn't actually a weird name that's your real name that you came with when you were born. i am SO glad that you were born.

we talk about everything don't we? practical things like pickling and how to sew your favourite holy shirt but also big things like the universe and the truth (or untruth) of saying things like 'i'll always be with you'.

it's a natural human condition to ponder death and meaning when you love someone as much as i love you. are we morbid? or just really in love? a bit of both?

this year has been so big for us. you're almost done school, i started my shop, we're already daydreaming about our next big adventure...

i look around and see us in everything. you are entrenched in my being.

where would we be if not for each other? who would we be if we hadn't pondered this question, together, as we shared the binoculars and took turns counting jupiter's moons.

i am your moon. out in space i explore, fearlessly, knowing i'm held without boundaries. only the gravitational pull of Big Love.

the harvest brings pumpkins (and jared geller)

2011-10-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

i feel like all my favourite people come to visit in the fall. steph was just here, my mom's coming next month and strapping young jared came from chicago last weekend to walk around with yours truly in the october sun.

usually we meet at a pub over beers but i couldn't help shake the desire to spend our time this visit, with large cups of tea and copious amounts of walking.

maybe it was my new poncho that begged for time outside.

or maybe this cookie called to us from its wicker basket holdings at petite thuet bakery, still warm and soft from the oven.

whatever the reason our usually stationary visit turned mobile and the conversation fluttered from thing to thing as conversations do between old friends, as leaves do when falling whimsically but purposely from the branches of the tree.

thanks for coming, jared! thanks for existing in the world and for being part of mine.

rays of light

2011-10-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

steph came to visit.

we went to wedding dress stores and she tried some on and she chose the most beautiful for her upcoming occasion of love.

other than twice when i thought about my own wedding day and the inability to explain the symbolic importance of such a frock, i was completely present and completely happy to be so.

how do we share these moments with anyone but each other? how do we thank the stars for bringing us together? how do we say i love you so it sounds different, as it should, when i'm saying it to you?

all life is a quest for great loves. that which we share is one of the greatest.

mindfulness.

2011-10-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

"this being human is a guesthouse. every morning is a new arrival. a joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

welcome and entertain them all! even if they're a crowd of sorrows who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honourably. he may be cleaning you out for some new delight.

the dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond"

the guesthouse - rumi - 1207-1273

centre island (family outing)

2011-09-24T05:34:00.000-07:00

snail

2011-09-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

when i saw you there, unwilling to move from the wreckage of your fallen friend, i thought about size and my incorrect assumptions on your capacity to grieve.

i picked you up from the sad shells strewn on the concrete ground and you strained your fleshy foot away; one last gesture of your reluctance to let go.

i hope you know i sympathize; sometimes the only way forward is standing still.

beauty.

2011-09-21T04:46:00.000-07:00

"go outside, to the country, enjoy the sun and all nature has to offer. go outside and try to recapture the happiness within yourself; think of all the beauty in yourself and in everything around you and be happy".

anne frank, the diary of a young girl

fall's fool.

2011-09-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

it's getting to be that season! the fall one with the bright colours and the vegetable harvest and the charmingly rustic tractors, pleading silently to be photographed.

and while there's no denying the melancholy of summer's last gentle touches, fall is irrefutably my favourite time of year.

on a bicycle built for one

2011-09-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

i think this is one of those posts where most people reading will be all like, DUH, YEAH OF COURSE, but i'm going to go ahead and preach to the choir anyways because this chorus member just joined.

BIKING IS LIBERATING.

in particular, biking ALONE is liberating.

jeremy is an amazing bike riding partner and for four years he's waited for me at the bottom of hills while i brake my way down with teeth clenched. it's certain, in fact, that i could never have ridden alone without his patient and encouraging support.

ain't that the beauty of love? that it pushes you away from dependancy and towards this place of self actualization?

i met jessica at a fork on the lower don trail on thursday. i arrived at the meeting spot early, not knowing how long it would take me and anticipating wanting to take some pictures to document my first solo trek.

i'm making it sound like i did the mountain leg of the tours de france and maybe for me, it meant something similar.

i had my mouth open in awe the whole time, (until i ate a bug), and i must have looked new because more than one cyclist asked me if i was okay, but gosh darn it i did it.

and i feel like an emancipated woman. freed from the shackles of cars and public transportation. and from my fear which obviously can't be trusted after keeping me from something so cool.

my bike and jessica's bike like each other. jessica's bike gets ridden a lot but never holds that over my bike's head. instead she is kind and accepting and finds my bike's spastic enthusiasm charming.

ring your bells! wear your helmuts! bike ride into a future dependent only on the power of you! and a husband who waves from the window while you glide down the driveway.

lunch break, at the office.

2011-09-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

i dream of darwin (and the dream came true)

2011-09-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

something wonderful has happened. something i started thinking about almost a year ago when i woke up from the kind of dream that pinches your backbone in a playful but pushy kind of way.

i had imagined myself a business.

i'd make animals out of second hand clothes, some small, some big, and i'd sell them online in a shop i'd call 'i Dream of Darwin'. everything would be inspired by nature, as an homage to how nature inspires me. i'd make stories about the animals to please my writing bone and i'd kiss them each, one time, square on the nose which is the thing that's missing from machine manufactured stuffs and will never once be missing from mine.

and last weekend, my shop opened!

many things inspired me to make this happen, a purchase i made on etsy, a dear friend at work i'd confided in early on, my best friend, my husband, my idle hands itching for some purpose. my younger self sitting in my memory, making robots out of wood and three legged dogs out of my mom's expensive fabric.

and perhaps the biggest inspiration was a desire for a handmade dialogue with the universe, for a connection to be forged with the things that i create and the place that they end up. me to you and something stitched between.

it took a year for many reasons, i had a plan mapped out at first but the organized manner of it felt funny to me. i wanted to enjoy all the steps including the beginning and pushing it forward according to a timeline felt like a cousin to the office job and a stranger to the creative process. i wanted to explore. try different things. watch as a style emerged, then make attempts that went against it.

i wanted to covet all my creations.

for a while i was striving for completion - i needed more things made, i needed large numbers of inventory, i needed to land on one style and unify everything into a packaged, clever little bow. realizing now that an end point will hopefully never come, i've based my shop on a philosophy of creation and exploration and an active, present engagement with my world and my way to explore it - through pieces unique, handmade and inspired by the natural world.

i hope you like it! i hope it speaks to you! i hope it inspires you to do something weird of your own and i hope you pass it on to your network of dreamers, the friends who'd most appreciate a hand-made narwhal in their lives.

isn't that just all of us? cleverly disguised under adult clothing? i had a dream it might be so.

the motion of objects through space

2011-09-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

if time is something you invented to mark life’s sequence of events,

what is passing if not seconds?

what is waiting if not us?

i hear a penitent click on the wooden clock and think,

there is no click,

there are no seconds,

the future is an island where we send our one-day selves, that they may live there peacefully and work to learn their worth.

summerlicious

2011-08-31T18:10:00.000-07:00

you know what was good? this dinner.

tomatoes, beet greens and poached salmon! there was corn-on-the-cob too which i ate before i could pick up the camera because loving corn-on-the-cob and eating corn-on-the-cob very quickly are two of my super powers.

fly me to the moon

2011-08-29T08:06:00.000-07:00

when the sky is clear and the moon is full we walk to the park to have a look. i bring my binoculars, jer brings the camera, and the moon brings its glorious, bright shining face.

the moon was once a part of the earth, did you know? or at least that's the rumour around the science cooler. i like to imagine what part of the earth the moon was like the armpit or the knee or the section of the brain concerned with abstract thought.

fall? i saw it kiss the summer leaf. i watched it waiting, waiting, for its time to paint the forest.

2011-08-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

love actually is, all around.

2011-08-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

i've been giving a lot of thought to love lately. specifically how our concept of love changes as we go through life.

when i was little i loved joey mcintyre and kermit the frog when he dressed up as michael jackson in the bad video.

in grade eight, i loved scott jackson.

when i was sixteen i loved a tanned shouldered boy with long dark hair who never wore shoes, drove a brown pick up truck, and listened to led zeppelin.

for five years i loved my highschool boyfriend, duane rushton.

all of these early loves had something in common. the love i felt for them was very personal, highly analyzed and communicated in very boastful ways. like issuing a statement. like announcing i'd achieved something. like missing some sort of point.

i loved cameron but really more as a friend. i loved matt, but we barely knew each other.

and then i loved jeremy.

love is poems and pancakes and saying vows to each other in fancy clothing but it's also real and present and starting and ending each day looking at each other and not being able to imagine that the world, your world, could be any other way.

love isn't only in the clouds, you see. it's doing jeremy's laundry, it's folding his dress shirts, it's making his tea with just the right amount of milk. it's looking around at our house, the home that we've made, and having shared stories for everything in it.

it's knowing that when i ask him to be somewhere, he always will be.

there are so many different kinds of love in the world. love for a book, love for a song, love for franks hot sauce on just about everything. love for the ocean and it's strong, primal allure.

but all those loves, through the lens of the love i share with jeremy, are amplified, multiplied, boost-i-fied in the incredible way love is when sharing it with that one person who understands you completely.

aren't we all such lucky ducks? aren't we all just slaves to love.

let's see here

2011-08-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

one day i'll get more topics than 'jeremy, camping, and clouds shaped like hearts' but for now! that's what you're stuck with! maybe you knew that going in? i hope so.

last weekend we were camping at balsam lake. it's about a two hour drive from toronto, heading towards the kawarthas, so even though you're on a highway it's a one-laner, passing chip wagons and drive-in theatres.

our site was a hike-in spot. it was quite secluded actually, if it wasn't for a trailhead close by and some trips to the beach when the sun demanded, we wouldn't have seen a soul.

we took pictures of mushrooms.

we took pictures of clouds.

we pulled all the nails out of this beautiful, silently suffering tree.

we spent a lot of time in the dining tent, safe from bugs and rain and the rest of the world.

we cooked over the fire, we read our books, we ate mel's cherry preserves with crackers and brie.

if you built a time machine and set it randomly to any one of our many camping trips you'd find it hard to determine in which one you'd landed. the changes limited to the length of my hair and the number of layers we have on, those key components, (the food, the set up, the close relationship with dirt), remain unchanged.

like my love for jeremy, my love for trees, and my love for peeing in the woods like a wild animal.

anyhooters

2011-08-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

we heard this guy when we were camping! well maybe not this exact guy but his very close relative was very close by when we were sitting in the dining tent, drinking a beer and thinking nature's most definately where it's at.

i recognized it was a barred owl by his distinct call and if that weren't enough excitement for a year and a half, another one answered and we sat with our mouths agape catching flies and inhaling wonder through our nostrils.

we contemplated taking off through the woods to see if we could spy him but as an owler you know, hearing them is just as good.

owls, man. owls.

sunny jar of pickled carrots (and the dill is caught napping).

2011-08-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

you don't make pickles in the bed

2011-08-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

PICKLES! i love pickles. i also love making pickles and mini breaks that start in the middle of week and nachos. just now, (real time update!) jeremy walked out of the kitchen with nachos and some fresh salsa he'd just thrown together and you know what i'm thinking? i'm thinking i'm the luckiest meerkat in the manor.

life is good. and not just if you're a jar of pickles in a hot tub.

pickles are actually really easy to make you just have to keep everything clean and hot and it's more of a study in assembly, than cooking. and i adore assembly. and jeremy. not equally though i love jeremy more.

and now we wait for three months for them to be ready so we can finally have our grilled cheese party.

good day to you! and good rest of your week, you're almost there.

just desserts

2011-08-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

a tisket, a tasket, a fruit and veggie basket.

2011-08-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

mel borrowed our tent for a camping adventure and in thanks, she brought us a basket of produce. with the farm share we're doing this year and my proximity through work to people like mel, i can say my knowledge of fruits and vegetables has grown like the sprouts we jar at home, quickly and with enthusiasm!

i don't even know if i've ever done anything with eggplant before this summer? it's so delicious and versatile. also if i eat any more leafy greens i might turn into a leafy green. (i hope i'm kale, i hope i'm kale.)

we're still eating chicken and fish only and honestly an ever decreasing amount of both, too. i don't think i'll ever cut those out completely, i love sushi and chicken wings too much but in large part, we eat vegetarian. loads of vegetables like i mentioned but also beans, (good thing jeremy loves me), nuts, small grains like quinoi and lots of delicious soups and pastas. also wraps.

i know how to make my own hummus and jeremy makes black bean corn cakes and i mentioned it already but tomorrow we're going to make pickles. my dream is one day to have a cold cellar for our preserves like the one we had when i was little. and to make my mom's pickled carrots.

and to rescue a horse from a circus diving act.

all dressed up (with nowhere to go).

2011-08-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

my wedding dress has been living in a bag in a closet for the last two years. it's just so special and pretty i wanted to preserve it, like the wedding, someplace neatly tucked.

but i wonder if maybe it's silly to keep something of such beauty in a closet in a bag where it's most likely having trouble breathing.

so i took it out for a spin.

i missed you, dress! i'm sorry i though it was more important to preserve you than to twirl you through the livingroom.

it won't happen again.

i'm right here, where you left me.

2011-08-13T08:45:00.001-07:00

we like to move the coffee table out of the sunroom and pull the nest chair up to the window. we take turns sitting and reading in it.

i think tomorrow we're going to make pickles.

what is that wonderful something about this time of year? summer so long and lazy? it's gosh darn rejuvenating, i tell you.

but trust me on the sunscreen.

2011-08-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

i used to think that sunscreen song was for me. you know that one that’s called everybody is free and then in brackets it says (to wear sunscreen)?

based on an article in the chicago tribune, the song version came out in 1999 and was addressed to the graduating class (me), read by a father type figure (to this gal who didn’t have one), belabering some worn out messages (dance, sing, floss) and driving home some personally important ones (wear sunscreen).

so many of the lines in the article/song are still staples i reflect back on. gems like ‘the race is long and only with yourself’ and 'your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses' are the kinds of things you hear and yell out YES to, pumping your fists in the air or nodding your head in the loudest, non-verbal way possible. even though it isn’t really my song and even though you’re probably familiar, i share it here for you to read and pick through, taking bits of gospel with you, as i have.

short stack (or table manners for rodents)

2011-07-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

birdhouse building

2011-07-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

these are more of mel's pictures from fun day. she isn't in them but the trained eye can see her in the way she sets the scene up.

and how she lends her one free hand to make certain the construction is sound.

documents for posterity, i look at these and remember how hard we both tried to put all the pieces in their proper place. and how encouraging we were of each others knots and holes.

the complexity of everything connected.

2011-07-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

i am different things to different people.

i think i am all of them.

i think i am none of them.

i am the only thing in the universe with my own arrangement of cells,

i share most of them with you.

the proteins in me come from the beginning,

my breath, condensed in cloud, will be there at the end.

to that one pine tree, in particular

2011-07-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

your face is so pretty, all bark and ridges. we liked when our feet were on you and the wind had you swaying and we said, "trees move like elephants" and then we said, "now we know."

little blue dot

2011-07-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

they're all in the same plane. they're all going around in the same direction. it's perfect, you know, it's gorgeous, it's almost uncanny.

astronomer geoffrey marcy describing the solar system

the four days went together, with only the night as punctuation. with only the day as time.

2011-07-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start

2011-07-30T05:38:00.000-07:00

i woke up with that song in my head, you know that one? when you write you begin with abc, when you sing you begin with do re mi? yes, of course you do. you nearly woke up singing it too.

we've been camping and creating and having a bit of a tv/internet blackout period. it was kind of easy to do after four days by a lake.

four days of swimming and sunning and napping in shade. four days with jeremy and a sky full of stars.

somehow netflix loses its lustre. impossible sounding, i know.

picnic knees

2011-07-30T05:37:00.000-07:00

'camping' is the sweetest word you say

2011-07-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

off we go! into the wild green yonder!

i have weekend braids in my hair even though it's a tuesday and am already test driving bathing suits to see which one is more comfortable to lie around in.

i don't think we've ever been camping in the summer? how is that even possible? i'm pretty sure it's true though i think we always go in spring or autumn time.

but floating in a lake by the side where it's shady, listening to the lip lap noise of the water on the shore, and hearing in the distance the crisp metal sound of jeremy opening a beer?

YES is my answer to that question.

you know where i'll be.

the legend of the snack plate

2011-07-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

have you heard that one? about the snack plate that spent its whole life aspiring to one day bear the perfect assemblage of snack foods?

as the legend goes, the snack plate's desire for perfect food pairings blinded it to the truth that it isn't the perfect snack achieved that really matters, but all the snacks eaten along the way.

window garden

2011-07-12T14:47:00.001-07:00

entrepreneurial air conditioning method number fourteen

2011-07-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

wrap yourself in a sheet, lie in front of the fan, and close your eyes while jeremy mists you from head to toe with the water bottle.

take turns.

repeat.

5, 6, 7, 8!

2011-07-06T18:53:00.001-07:00

ballet bootcamp is awesome. it's like ballet, set to michael jackson music, with an energy level of one kajillion. i went last night and left feeling exhilarated.

sure i didn't know some of the moves and yeah i just held my back leg up in arabesque when the rest of the class was leaping upwards in a one armed handstand but i can see the future, and it's me pretending i'm the blonde girl from Center Stage when she takes a dance class downtown to shrug off the shackles of the oppressive (yet prestigious) new york city ballet.

vanesa invited me and we had a nice visit after, walking briskly down the yonge street summer sidewalk and feeling the buzz of working every.single.muscle. in my sore but thankful body.

down the river on a raft

2011-07-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

on sunday we watched a biography on mark twain and jeremy said i needed to read huck finn. i said i wished we had the version they showed in the biography, with the line drawings of the boy in his straw hat on his log raft with his bare feet and on monday, one appeared in a cardboard box by the garbage bin at the back of our apartment.

can you believe that?! i said we should hurry up and wish for one million dollars and jeremy said 'how about two' and we laughed and thought about our relationship to the universe and the desires we send out to it, sometimes consciously, sometimes not.

little and big

2011-07-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

"a leaf of grass is no less than the journey work of the stars"

walt whitman

making whale shapes out of sticks

2011-07-02T07:46:00.001-07:00

the photos that mel took (or, i heart fun day)

2011-07-01T03:56:00.000-07:00

wednesday was an all day staff party. no work related brainstorm sessions first, just fun for breakfast, fun for lunch and fun continuing on past dinner when we found that spot in the metal fort and finished the beers with the radio on .

it's nice to have that time away from your desk and in front of a cloudberry cocktail to spend with such a funny, clever, warm and wonderful group of people.

drinking muskoka lager by a stone oven while the pizzas get churned out, and thinking summer is just the best thing since sliced bread .

happy canada day, my canadian friends! and wishing you three glorious fun days in a row.

meadow, meadow, summer.

2011-06-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

little wing

2011-06-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

we found a baby bird, lured her in with pastry crumbs.

then her mom, then a blanket, then a rocking fast asleep.

pit pat

2011-06-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

rats like looking out windows. they like sniffing the air and feeling the breeze on their little rat faces.

they like to look skyward, making pictures out of clouds.

and they like looking cute on the radiator, whiskers twitching to the many sounds outside.

honey on a saturday morning

2011-06-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

sunday picking

2011-06-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

is there a sweeter activity in june than strawberry picking? i told jeremy that strawberries should have the slogan 'everyone's favourite berry' and he said 'they're not my favourite berry' and i said ok, how about 'strawberries. a lot of people like them' and he said 'that one's good'.

we picked them on sunday from phil's garden. i used half in the strawberry rhubarb crumble i made for desert and brought the other half home with us to eat, and enjoy, and appreciate the literal fruits of our labour.

the straw felt warm and soft on my feet.

my bounty! strawberries are crazy because it will look like there aren't that many on the plants until you start to move the leaves around and find huge clumps, hiding and hanging out together having a strawberry party.

i'd like to go to a strawberry party.

i was so proud to put my strawberry fingers on the page of our recipe book! now i'll always remember the day i first made this cobbler! and jeremy will always remember the seventy-sixth time i made a mess of something!

and here we have it - a warm crumble, some cool cream and this june memory has marked its place in my summer heart.

go strawberry picking! take your friends and your lovers and your adorable babes in white sun hats.

madelyn and the strawberries

2011-06-20T15:44:00.001-07:00

first. . .

and then. . .

a trail marked 'up'

2011-06-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

up the cliffside stairs we go,
the sky above, the ocean below.

what will we find when we get there?

but wind,

and view,

and inconclusive evidence of heaven.

things he has learned in his life so far

2011-06-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

i first came across stefan sagmeister on ted talks. i liked his humour, his punchy revelations and his stylish hairdo. i ordered his book through the library and read it all this morning, stopping just the one time to grind a fresh pot of coffee.

then i wrote him a note to say thanks. now i'm writing on here to tell you.

'things i have learned in my life so far' is a collection of mini books, each one a line from a diary entry he'd written under a title of the same name. things like 'everybody who is honest is interesting' and 'having guts always works out for me' are illustrated in a vast variety of unique typographic methods including collage, photography, and large scale art installation.

jeremy and i always make wise cracks about the quote 'love laugh live' or the million other lululemon variations on the theme but truthfully, i love a good quote. something you can attach yourself to. something truthful. something said in just the right way to mean something, personally, to you.

my honest thought is that in life we are alone. we are born alone and we die alone and if we take away our need to be accepted and loved, the only person we must ultimately answer to is ourselves.

reading something that moves us or informs us or reminds us that in being alone, we are actually together, is in my opinion the highest function of art.

little love notes

2011-06-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

today was the first day in nearly two weeks that we've been apart. you had to go back to work and it was nice to have the morning to rattle about on my own and then the afternoon came and i started to miss you. i didn't know it was possible to spend so much time with a person but still yearn for more.

i had such a good trip with you. we travel well together, don't we? you with your patience and love and kind calmness. me with my flapping arms and mania. wherever we go whether it's here or there or somewhere across the atlantic, you reach out to hold my hand and i am home.

my husband likes to make me things

2011-06-13T06:50:00.001-07:00